The Feeling of Feelings

Typically, I do not let single thoughts take up too much space in my mind. But, for the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about something a lot and I can’t stop. I was not able to call my mom and tell her about my horse show a few weeks ago. She does not know that I showed for the first time and I can’t call her to tell her I got first. There it is, off my chest, in writing. I have been letting this stupid, insignificant thought make me so sad for weeks. Usually, I would not be upset about something little like this simply because I would not let myself be upset. Then I realized something; I can’t control it. I like to think that it is possible for me to be in control of everything… Yes, I am a control freak. The problem is sometimes you can’t control things, like feelings, which I have always tried to control until now. I act like nothing is wrong when really everything is wrong, I hold back tears more than I actually cry, I don’t express what I am feeling when I need to the most, and I continuously say I am okay when I am not. All of these attributes have been slowly wearing on me. Being the person who is “so strong” and “can handle anything” becomes really exhausting and lacks any reward. Sometimes I ask myself, “why do I have to be there for this friend today” or “why am I putting my feelings aside to help others” when in reality, I feel like I am losing myself little by little every day. I do these things without thinking first and even if I do think, it is nearly impossible for me to say no. The wear and tear of this pattern has been causing me to become very short-fused recently. I have no patience and frankly, I just want to be selfish. I want to be taken care of. I want to be told that it is going to be okay, even if it is not. Most of all, I want to crawl into bed and give up. Don’t worry, I couldn’t give up if I tried, but the thought is intriguing. Since I am the queen of cliches and quotes, I thought the best way to describe me right now is to provide one. Here is a scene from Harry Potter, my favorite movie/ book series, that reminds me of myself:

-“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!”

-“You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

The Ending of a Story

The past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. Of course I don’t show that, but here is the truth. Loosing someone who has been in your life for two years may be easy sometimes. In the scheme of things, two years is a very short time within a lifetime. This time though, has been unimaginable. Ending something that you want so badly seems backwards and stupid. Most people continuously chase what they want, which I do in most cases. But sometimes, you want that something to chase you back. If in return you do not see that happening, things get confusing. The mind is a silly thing. You can have so many thoughts going around in your head that don’t match up to anything, but they also mean everything. There comes a point in time where you have to evaluate all of the little things. Unfortunately, those little things have the ability to add up to one big thing. Whether that one big thing is happiness, confusion, sadness, pain, etc., there is an impact. You can only make things work from both ends and if there is slack, everything will inevitably fall apart. I truly believe that people walk into your life for a reason. At the same time, people walk out of your life for a reason as well. I have never been the type of person to regret things because in my opinion, that is useless. We all make choices in life and at that point in time, that was the desired choice. One of the hardest things in life for me is feeling like I’m giving up. If I think I’m giving up, it also seems like I’m regretting things and it all just doesn’t make sense. For as long as I can remember, I have not been the type of person to give up. Most people say that is me being stubborn, which is true, but it is simply in my nature. I am a fighter. I fight to see the good in people, the changes that are possible, the success, and sometimes to simply get my own way. This mentality did not come from nowhere. My whole life, I fought for my mom against mental illness. I fought for her to be there for me, I fought for her to be there for herself, and I fought for her to change. To this day, I still fight this useless fight. After being let down time and time again, having my heart torn apart countless times, and knowing that there is little hope, I still fight. It is an endless battle that I will probably never “win”, but that doesn’t stop me. No matter how detrimental it is to me, I continue to fight. Unfortunately, I have transferred this fight to other situations. I’m not saying that this is always a bad thing, because it isn’t. The fighter inside me has helped me become who I am today, which I am very proud of. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t a fighter though, because even if something is not right for me, I still fight for it. Otherwise, I feel like I’m giving up and that is just not an option for me. With all of this being said, I am learning that sometimes a chapter in life has to come to an end. It is not me giving up and I don’t regret anything, but sometimes you just have to move forward and find a new story to be passionate about.

First Time Champion

Three years ago during the summer of 2010, I got bucked off of a horse named Ace. Well, this was surely not the first time I had landed on the ground while riding Ace. He was a challenge so of course, I loved him. He would frustrate me constantly, but it taught me so much. One lesson I had with Ace, I flew over his head three consecutive times as he refused a jump. Each time, I got right back on without hesitation, and tried again. After falling off three times I knew what I had to do: get him over that jump. So I did. My fall in the summer of 2010 was a little different though. Ace and I were beginning to jump a course that was set up on our “air strip” which was all grass. The trees were very scary for Ace so soon after we started going, he went on a bucking spree and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground gasping for my breath. Until this time, I had never fallen off and hesitated getting right back on. As I laid there unable to move or catch my breath, Ace ran away to find a nice snack and my coach ran to me telling me not to move. I remember thinking, wow this is serious, what am I going to do? Being the stubborn person that I am I did the only thing I knew to do, stood up. I began walking down towards the barn to find my coach driving up on the golf cart yelling at me for moving. The rest is slightly blurry, but I remember refusing to go to the doctor until the next day. I woke up and I could not walk so somehow, I was convinced to see a doctor. Doctors are on my list of people I don’t particularly like, simply because they tell me that I cannot do things. One of the worst things anyone can do is tell me that I cannot do something. I went to get X-rays and the doctors found no fractures so I thought I was free! Throughout the coming year, my senior year of high school, I was in constant pain and I barely rode. Finally, I went to see an orthopedic doctor to figure out if something was wrong. The first doctor found that there was an OCD lesion on the talus bone of my left ankle. He said that I needed surgery and he had to break my other bones to get through to it. I think I laughed at the idea of that. So I went to see another orthopedic doctor who specialized in ankles. When I went in on a Friday to review my MRI, they told me I needed to get surgery on my ankle on Monday. The reason I am telling this story is because this injury has left me feeling so broken down. More than three years after the initial fall, I still go to therapy for my ankle. I have had pain on and off ever since the original injury, even after the surgery. As a horseback rider, this experience has been terrible. Horseback riding requires muscles and endurance that you do not use otherwise. When you inconsistently ride for years and have pain while doing so, it is extremely difficult to gain confidence again. After two years going through college lacking the confidence to try out for the equestrian team, I finally did this year. I kept thinking to myself that if I would regret not doing anything in college, it would be not riding for the team. The happy ending to this story is, I made the team.

Yesterday, the Becker College Equestrian Team headed to Brown University at 5:30am for our second show of the season. For the first time in my life, I was showing. Riding has never been a competitive thing for me so I never really wanted to show. It was always about the connection with the horses and the escape from reality it gave me. Also, for the past three years, I would never have been confident enough to walk into a show ring and ride in front of a judge. Yesterday, I put all of my fears aside and got ready to give it a try. Before my class, I told a few of my teammates that I just didn’t want to come in last. My biggest fear was losing the little confidence that I had in myself. I got onto my little mare named Brava, who had been a great ride for everyone all day. By this point, Brava was exhausted and I think done with showing for the day. My time in the show ring went by so fast that I can’t even remember most of it. I remember being so nervous that I could not breathe and getting off thinking I did horribly. As I was talking to some teammates I could vaguely here that announcements were being made. Everyone started screaming and came over telling me that I got FIRST! I finally feel like I am gaining my confidence back and I cannot wait to continue working hard for this.

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Here’s To the Start of My Blogging Journey

Recently a lot of people have told me that I bottle my feelings up and do not talk about them. I agree with this. Although this method has always been effective for me, I am willing to try something new. So I am going to write. I am going to write about my thoughts, my dreams, my classes, my experiences, or anything else that is floating around in my head. First I am going to write a little bit of a brief overview about myself.

I am a junior in college majoring in Biology. When I say that my major is Biology, most people ask what I am going to do with that. I am going to change the world in any way that I can. As a college student, besides taking a full course load, I am involved in approximately 500 other things. I learned a long time ago to keep myself busy and I will be happy. Not only do I do this to stay sane, but I also try to engulf myself in as many things as possible because I have way too many interests. I have learned throughout my first two years in college that I have so many dreams and it is okay to strive to reach them all. I constantly have thoughts and ideas running through my head. Some may say my mind is “creative” but sometimes it is simply obnoxious. With this being said, here is the easiest explanation I have as to why I am a Biology major. Animals are my greatest passion. Growing up I always wanted a dog, instead I always got cats. I fell in love with every one of them. I realized that I liked talking to animals more than people very young, simply because they always listen. Finally, about 4 years ago I got a dog. Her name is Jessie and she is my bestfriend. No matter what is going on, I walk into my house and she puts a smile on my face instantly. Quitting competition twirling and dancing, which I had done for as long as I could remember to ride horses, was by far the best decision of my life. Approximately 8 years later, I am still doing it and nothing makes me happier. Horses always know the perfect thing to say without speaking. They erase every bad thing that is ever going on. I always have and always will love that riding horses is constantly a challenge because it clears my mind. Although I have never cared about being the best rider, I always try to be better than I was the day before. Since so many different animals have had a major impact on me throughout my life, I always thought I wanted to be a Veterinarian. Well, I changed my major after a year and a half from Pre-Veterinary Science to Biology. Not because I do not want to save all of the animals in the world just like I have always wanted, but because college has opened my mind to so many amazing things in this world. I feel like I have so many opportunities to make a difference, besides being a Veterinarian. I am going to continue exploring these things while I try to figure out life and while I do that, I will write about it.

So cheers, to my new journey as a blogger.