The Feeling of Feelings

Typically, I do not let single thoughts take up too much space in my mind. But, for the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about something a lot and I can’t stop. I was not able to call my mom and tell her about my horse show a few weeks ago. She does not know that I showed for the first time and I can’t call her to tell her I got first. There it is, off my chest, in writing. I have been letting this stupid, insignificant thought make me so sad for weeks. Usually, I would not be upset about something little like this simply because I would not let myself be upset. Then I realized something; I can’t control it. I like to think that it is possible for me to be in control of everything… Yes, I am a control freak. The problem is sometimes you can’t control things, like feelings, which I have always tried to control until now. I act like nothing is wrong when really everything is wrong, I hold back tears more than I actually cry, I don’t express what I am feeling when I need to the most, and I continuously say I am okay when I am not. All of these attributes have been slowly wearing on me. Being the person who is “so strong” and “can handle anything” becomes really exhausting and lacks any reward. Sometimes I ask myself, “why do I have to be there for this friend today” or “why am I putting my feelings aside to help others” when in reality, I feel like I am losing myself little by little every day. I do these things without thinking first and even if I do think, it is nearly impossible for me to say no. The wear and tear of this pattern has been causing me to become very short-fused recently. I have no patience and frankly, I just want to be selfish. I want to be taken care of. I want to be told that it is going to be okay, even if it is not. Most of all, I want to crawl into bed and give up. Don’t worry, I couldn’t give up if I tried, but the thought is intriguing. Since I am the queen of cliches and quotes, I thought the best way to describe me right now is to provide one. Here is a scene from Harry Potter, my favorite movie/ book series, that reminds me of myself:

-“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!”

-“You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

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