When Your Pituitary Gland Gets Confused

I know that I have not posted barely anything on here in months. I actually haven’t really written much in months. Here is why:

Starting in July, I kept getting sick randomly. Headaches occurring more often than ever before, exhaustion constantly sweeping over me, and out-of-the-blue nausea and vomiting spells. The beginning of this coincided  with my summer internship that I had to drive 45 minutes to almost 7 days a week. Needless to say, it sucked, but I did what I could to make it work in between hospital and doctor visits. Fast forward to a couple of weeks later, the beginning of the fall semester of my senior year of college. I am living with my bestfriend in an apartment off campus and we are ready to have an amazing year. BAM, Friday afternoon one week I get a migraine that won’t go away no matter what. The following Thursday, after almost passing out in class, my roommate drove me to the ER where they found that my pituitary gland was enlarged. Cool, so now what? After bloodwork and an MRI, they found that my hormone levels were elevated. Yes, get your laughs in, my hormones are crazy! But really, it is a pretty frustrating thing. After some medication changes, I am starting to feel slightly normal again, so hopefully that was the cause of this ruckus.

What is the point of this story exactly? Honestly, probably the biggest cliche in existence; never give up. Typically, I am a very upbeat and happy person. Having a chronic illness for any period of time is exhausting, especially as a college student. My headaches were so bad that I could not study or write papers. I could not eat normally because I was constantly feeling sick. I could not hangout with my friends, except for on my couch, because I was always tired. I could not go to the gym or ride horses because of all of the above. I could not do any of the things that I needed or wanted to do as a college student, and it happened at the beginning of my senior year. I know, fun times. A few days ago, I finally hit the point of frustration. I was mad at the world for throwing this difficulty at me and I wanted nothing to do with being strong anymore. I was done. After taking a nap and waking up on a better side of the bed, I had an epiphany. I told myself to get over it. Yes, I am still frustrated, and yes, I am ready to be caught up in all of my classes, and yes, I hate feeling horrible just as much as anyone else does. But as always, life goes on.

One day, I will look back at this and laugh at the imperfect timing of my pituitary gland’s confusion, but for now, I will just keep moving forward.

The Feeling of Feelings

Typically, I do not let single thoughts take up too much space in my mind. But, for the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about something a lot and I can’t stop. I was not able to call my mom and tell her about my horse show a few weeks ago. She does not know that I showed for the first time and I can’t call her to tell her I got first. There it is, off my chest, in writing. I have been letting this stupid, insignificant thought make me so sad for weeks. Usually, I would not be upset about something little like this simply because I would not let myself be upset. Then I realized something; I can’t control it. I like to think that it is possible for me to be in control of everything… Yes, I am a control freak. The problem is sometimes you can’t control things, like feelings, which I have always tried to control until now. I act like nothing is wrong when really everything is wrong, I hold back tears more than I actually cry, I don’t express what I am feeling when I need to the most, and I continuously say I am okay when I am not. All of these attributes have been slowly wearing on me. Being the person who is “so strong” and “can handle anything” becomes really exhausting and lacks any reward. Sometimes I ask myself, “why do I have to be there for this friend today” or “why am I putting my feelings aside to help others” when in reality, I feel like I am losing myself little by little every day. I do these things without thinking first and even if I do think, it is nearly impossible for me to say no. The wear and tear of this pattern has been causing me to become very short-fused recently. I have no patience and frankly, I just want to be selfish. I want to be taken care of. I want to be told that it is going to be okay, even if it is not. Most of all, I want to crawl into bed and give up. Don’t worry, I couldn’t give up if I tried, but the thought is intriguing. Since I am the queen of cliches and quotes, I thought the best way to describe me right now is to provide one. Here is a scene from Harry Potter, my favorite movie/ book series, that reminds me of myself:

-“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!”

-“You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”